Friday, 14 December 2012

A friend

I have a long time friend, from my university days.  We lived together for over three years and have kept in touch for the ten years since our graduation.  We usually hang out in in a group with other friends who were also our roomies.  In the last year or so, I have been increasingly agitated when hanging out or talking with her.

In November, we spent a weekend together with our other roomies.  Several things happened that were bothersome to me, even bordering on offensive.  I decided to give things a month or two to let the rawness surrounding my feelings fade.   I decided to not to call her, to let her call me.  We usually only talk every month.  I thought this would be a good solution, giving us both time and space.

So today, she called me to chat.

She told me details about her recent work trip across the country, and about her sister's separation from her husband.  I enjoyed hearing about what was going on in her life.  Then she got another call and put me on hold.  We chatted again briefly and then she got another call from her boss.  She told me she would call me back.  She did 20 minutes later and we talked about her job.   That was fine.

Then she asked me what I have been up to.  This is a friend who knows about our IF struggles and most of what we've been involved with.  So, I told her that we went to Colorado for our ODWU.   I told her that this is likely it, and that we're only trying this a few more times.  (Side note - I'm feeling the urge lately to tell this information to give them a heads up.  Sort of like a "I might be an emotional wreck in the late winter" kind of heads up.  I'm not good at asking for support and I generally down-play how tough IF is around all of my friends is, so this is a start for me.)   We didn't talk about Colorado for more than a minute when she asked what our next steps might be, adoption?  I told her that adoption would be great, but that it's not a simple process either, despite what a lot of people think.  I remind her that we're ready to go that route though because we already have our home study done and our profile mostly complete from when we completed our embryo adoptions.

She then cut me off and in an attempt (I think) to be empathetic, and told me about how some things are so complicated, why can't they be easy? She talked about her Dad's funeral and estate arrangements. Another phone rings.  "Can you hold on?".  "Ok" I say.  I overhear what sounds like a totally non-urgent pointless call,  and she hangs up with the other person.

Then, there is a ruckus on the phone because husband and her two kids are now home daycare.  I then get to hear her say hello to her kids and give them a smooch.   She chats for another minute and then lets me go because her kids need her attention.

I don't want to come across like I don't want to hear about my friend's life and challenges.  I know that sometimes things come up, and that sometimes conversations are unequal.  I do.  But sometimes, it becomes clear to me that some of my friends really just don't get it.

They have no idea what it's like to deal with IF, day in and day out.  That it is my "job". That it complicated and talking about it can be a good thing.  Or even just having someone listen.  That it can be painful for me to hear you welcome your children home.

I don't know how to deal with this "friendship" anymore.

Thanks for listening, internet.  You do a much better job.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry your friend isn't very supportive. I have pretty much the same situations with the few friends we've told. I know they are all rooting for us but since they don't know how to deal with it they mostly pretend it doesn't exist. This has stopped me from opening up to more people and finally led me to start my blog. So glad to be getting internet support now.


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