I've been wondering lately I could start believing again that this is all going to work out. I used to think that way, that it was just a matter of time. But something in me shifted. I don't know when it happened, but if I had to peg it down, I would say it was sometime after our second miscarriage last April.
I started becoming acutely aware that not everyone resolves their infertility. And even more frightening, that we could be one of them. Crap, right now we are one of them.
I'm feeling sad and frustrated today. I found out that another one of my real life IF friends is pregnant. And, not the one that I wrote about yesterday. She's 12 weeks. She's a great woman who I'm sure will make a wonderful Mommy.
I've been trying to build up my IF armour over the last couple of weeks to head into Christmas but I don't think it's working. I've been too busy deflecting little IF bullets.
I've read a little mantra somewhere from fellow IFer. "It's not their baby I want, it's our baby that I want". The truth is, I don't know if that's going to cut it. If any of the preggos I know offered me their baby I'd take it. I need a new little mantra to get me through the holidays.
In the mean time I will go about my little life. Preparing to leave town for a few days to visit with family. I'll return a few days before New Years when we are having a party for our friends who have sitters. We used to have a big party at home and invite all of our friends. That was before the baby boom years. I miss those days.
A bummer of a post. I hate feeling like I'm bringing people down. If you are reading this, I'm sorry about that.
You're not bringing anyone down. We all need to vent from time to time. And I'm with you...when my sis was pregnant, I kept trying to convince her that she couldn't afford twins so if she found out she was having two she could always give me one. I was only half joking!
ReplyDeleteThank you for listening.
DeleteI started to realize we may not resolve our infertility after our first IVF failed, I think. I was so sure it would work. Now it's really hard for me to feel hopeful. I am currently spending the holidays with my pregnant sis-in-law. She is the only real life IF person I know and she is on her 2nd. It's been a lot harder than I anticipated. And vent away! We all need to get these feelings out.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm about to spend Christmas with my brother's 9 month pregnant girlfriend. I've been off caffeine and alcohol since the end of November, but this might give reason for pause on that. The wine sitting is by the door ready to go with me.
DeleteI got a BFP and felt a sense of survivor's guilt as my co-workers was also going through infertility treatments. I knew how painful it would be for her to deal with my pregnancy, but she got her BFP a few days later, how perfect, we would be pregnant at the same time! Then I miscarried at 6 weeks and now she's pregnant with twins. All the feelings I didn't want to inflict on her I'll experience.
ReplyDeleteI too had a friend who announced a pregnancy around when we learned we were expecting twins. I have another close friend who started trying when we did and her almost 5 year old is a reminder of what we are missing and how long we've been at this.
DeleteI asked a friend who has resolved her IF through surrogacy and adoption if the feelings ever go away. She said they do fade. I asked her if she is able to enjoy a baby shower? She said that sometimes people still say stupid things that bug her. But that in many ways the celebration of the little lives she now parents was so much stronger than it would have been without experiencing IF. She says that everyone around her knew how hard this battle was for them and she felt that their happiness for her was magnified.
I'm hoping that she's right.
Hugs to you.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. Try not to lose hope! Happy ICLW.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm already looking forward to the next ICLW :)
Delete