Saturday, 22 December 2012

Waiting for the phone call

They were introduced to us by the social worker who completed our home study.  She asked for permission to pass along our names to another couple navigating the waters of embryo adoption.   We had been her first couple dealing with embryo adoption, and they were her second.  We happily obliged.  

The couple contacted us, and we shared a meal at a restaurant.  They are the kind of people that you meet and instantly like right away.  Down to earth, kind, and funny.  She's a mix of country and the big city.  He's all country.  They are kind of couple that you know would make fantastic parents.  

We shared with them our journey that led to working with the Snowflakes program through the Nightlight Christian Adoption Agency.  They too had selected the same agency.  It was nice to be face to face with another couple navigating the same process.  I day dreamed about us both having children who played together. 

We've been keeping in touch for the last couple years mostly over the phone and by email.  However, last year around Christmas, we lost touch.  They had announced they were pregnant via their first embryo adoption procedure only a few months before.  We were in the midst of the early stages of our first pregnancy, and then quickly experienced the loss of our twins.  

In truth, I just didn't feel that I had anything to really say to them.  I felt like they would be able to see through my facade and I didn't want to be a downer on their happiness.  Besides she had gotten pregnant on their first try with donor embryos.  I wondered if she would even be able to relate.  

Early in the new year, they reached out to us with an email announcing the birth of their daughter.  The email included pictures of a beautiful teensy tiny baby girl, and a brief story about her caesarian birth at 21 weeks, and her passing 10 days later.  We were absolutely heart broken for them.  I remember getting the news and sitting on the couch crying with D. 

We reached out to them, sending our condolences and a gift in memory of their daughter.  
A couple of months later, they visited us and we tried to comfort them as they shed tears about the death of their daughter, and a due date passing.  If I could have done anything to help ease their pain I would have.  It was just so palpable. 

A couple of months ago they were matched with another family, and had their third FET procedure.  The day of their daughter's birth came and went.  I sent an email to her to tell her that I was thinking of them.  

She reached back just the other day.  She said they are moving and she would love to talk with me soon.  Her emails had a hint of joy.  She suggested we talk within the next few days.  

I thought this was a little strange, because if I was moving the last thing I would be doing is having long conversations with friends.  And that's the kind we usually have, somehow they always end up being 1-2 hours on the phone.  We spent all afternoon in a restaurant once.  It always seems that we have so much in common and so much to say. 

I have this feeling though that she's going to tell me she's expecting.  My five years of IF have helped me to develop a keen sense of 'preg-dar', radar for preggos.   

I've been practicing my "happy reaction" to their news in my head.  

Gosh. I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone, and especially not them.  Yet, I can't help to feel a little bit sad.  Another one of my few real life IF friends is no longer going to be in the battle.  It's a reminder that makes me feel like we've been left in the dust again.   


  1. I can usually tell when someone is about to tell me they're pregnant too. Maybe that's just an IF side effect. We've been doing this for 5 years too and the close friend I was pregnant with for a short time before my miscarriage just had her 3rd son a week ago, really hammering in just how long we've been at this. I think she would probably understand if your happy reaction also came tinged with sadness. <3 Best of luck.

    1. Thank you Rochelle. I feel like I've become professional at hiding my true IF feelings in front of my friends. So much so that most of them (especially the non-IFers) have no clue.

      I talked to a therapist once and she said I didn't need to do that, to protect people. But I don't know how not to. It's a bit of a vicious circle because then I end up without the support I need because everyone things things are ok.

  2. So bittersweet. But I think because she's been there, she would understand.

    Visiting from ICLW.


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