2nd Consult and a guilty conscience

Over the Christmas break we had a consult with Dr. Schoolie.  I was very nervous about it, because it was initiated by the doctor.  I found this to be unsettling considering we had been happily corresponding through the nurses, and I thought everything we had discussed was resolved.

The key issue we were debating was whether or not to a) pursue the laproscopy and tubal ligation b) if it could be done in the country in which I live (because we have socialized medicine) and c) if the opinions of the doctors would be similar enough and therefore yield the same result.

I was worried that there was a new issue that the doctor had found.  Something so bad that the nurse didn't feel comfortable telling me herself.   Thankfully, this wasn't the case.  He just wanted to regroup.  I guess we had asked so many questions that he wanted to speak to us directly.  D thinks he was just tired of the back and forth.

I'm slightly peeved about this because it's not cheap to talk to the doctor each time.  And we felt we had all of our questions answered.  Not to mention the emotional stress of thinking that he had something life altering to tell us.

We didn't waste the opportunity to speak with him though.  We were able to add clarity to the surgical choice we had made to have the procedure.   We also decided where we would have the procedure.  

The doctor we chose at home did not seem overly familiar with requesting the surgery based on the testing we had in our ODWU.   It's kind of ironic now that he was asking us at the time if we trusted him.  Because now I don't really, and that is what this decision has come down to.  We're deep in expenses on this cycle however,  D doesn't think this is the place to try to save money.  There's too much at stake. The tubal ligation will basically depend on a judgement call from the doctor.  I really don't want it if I don't need it.  And the laproscopy could yield important information, that I would rather be viewed by my treating physician.   And a the big one he pointed out, that if things didn't work out and we didn't go with Dr. Schoolie, that we might wonder what-if, effectively ruining our regret management strategy.

It's $4,000 just for the surgery, not including travel.  Boy, I could spend that money in much more fun places.  A trip somewhere warm, a bathroom renovation.  Or, what would be more likely, keep it in the bank for more fertility stuff down the road.

Thinking about the costs of IF treatments have always been uncomfortable.  But now it is really stressing me out. We've slowly flushed the cost of a few vehicles down the drain, and we're about to flush one more.  Instead of flushing used cars we've moved on to flushing the cost of a new SUV.  It's gagging.  Especially as my current vehicle is starting to show it's age with new rattles and noises.

I feel bummed and guilty even complaining about this.  On Resolve.org I've heartbreakingly read about people who can't afford any medical treatment, or much less have the IF testing.  I'm grateful that we are able pursue treatment but it still doesn't take the sting away from paying the bills.  And the absolutely disgusting feeling of knowing the money we are about to flush would provide food to a small orphanage for months.

There's so much guilt tied up in this whole process for me...  Guilt for punishing my body with all of the meds.  Guilt for dragging our families through this.  Guilt for dragging D through this when he was ready to move to adoption a year ago.  Guilt for spending so much money on this.  Guilt for still pursuing a genetic link.  Guilt for wasting so many otherwise good moments on IF.