I stayed in my funk all day yesterday, barely making it to my evening commitment. I felt funny even going out because my eyes were puffy from the tears and my head was still very cloudy.
Yesterday, D and I spent some time just sitting. It took me a while to realize it, but I told him that I was feeling really lame. Lame because I don't have anything more going on in my life. Lame because I'm feeling lonely. He told me that I'm not lame, I'm just broken from all of this, and there's a big difference. This is something that is still resonating with me today, so I must have needed to hear it. God, I love this man.
After yesterday, I'm realizing that where we are living is increasingly problematic for me. I am craving having my little space in the world where I know I will be for a long time. A place where I fix my house without thinking about resale. A place where plan to be a part of the community around me. D and I haven't had a recent discussion on this. I'm not looking forward to it.
In the back of my head I know I want to leave. I'm also terrified wondering if it would be the right choice for us. The indecision is frustrating. On days that I want to leave, I don't feel like putting the energy into putting anymore roots down here. Like I don't want to start something new. I know that some of that thinking comes from feeling depressed. But part of it is real too.
The guilt that I feel for even thinking about moving away from D's parents is stifling. They've been good to us. The exact reason why I would want to go, would be D's reason to want to stay. It's a hard thing to balance. Moving feels like putting my needs above his. I wonder if this is all just some weird IF side effect. That if we had children right now if we would be so happily distracted that I wouldn't even think twice about it.
decisions decisions! As if we don't have enough already with IF! I hear you about wanting to make imrpovements to yourhouse that you know you will get to enjoy for a logn time! We are planning to move when B graduates in June and I am just not motivated to make any improvement to my house because I know we wont be there much longer. Hope you guys can have a good conversation soon.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like D is an amazing person who is very understanding and supportive. And when everything looks bleak, it's hard not to find one thing to focus on that you can change and think, "Well, if I can fix this, then everything else will get better too." I know you guys will make the best decision for the both of you, and you shouldn't be afraid or feel guilty about taking to D about it!
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