Friday, 18 January 2013
My Little Space
I stayed in my funk all day yesterday, barely making it to my evening commitment. I felt funny even going out because my eyes were puffy from the tears and my head was still very cloudy.
Yesterday, D and I spent some time just sitting. It took me a while to realize it, but I told him that I was feeling really lame. Lame because I don't have anything more going on in my life. Lame because I'm feeling lonely. He told me that I'm not lame, I'm just broken from all of this, and there's a big difference. This is something that is still resonating with me today, so I must have needed to hear it. God, I love this man.
After yesterday, I'm realizing that where we are living is increasingly problematic for me. I am craving having my little space in the world where I know I will be for a long time. A place where I fix my house without thinking about resale. A place where plan to be a part of the community around me. D and I haven't had a recent discussion on this. I'm not looking forward to it.
In the back of my head I know I want to leave. I'm also terrified wondering if it would be the right choice for us. The indecision is frustrating. On days that I want to leave, I don't feel like putting the energy into putting anymore roots down here. Like I don't want to start something new. I know that some of that thinking comes from feeling depressed. But part of it is real too.
The guilt that I feel for even thinking about moving away from D's parents is stifling. They've been good to us. The exact reason why I would want to go, would be D's reason to want to stay. It's a hard thing to balance. Moving feels like putting my needs above his. I wonder if this is all just some weird IF side effect. That if we had children right now if we would be so happily distracted that I wouldn't even think twice about it.