Thursday, 10 January 2013


I only talk about fertility stuff with my closest friends and family.  Oh, and sometimes with my hairdresser and dental hygienist. :) The hygienist had twins via egg donor and talking about it makes my appointments go by in the blink of an eye!

In the last month or so,  I've been updating people on our plans with Dr. Schoolie in Colorado.  However, I've been doing something different lately.  I'm telling them, "We don't have many tries left at this.  We are nearing the end of this road.  If this doesn't work, we are moving on to something else.  This might be it".  I leave out the part about what the something else is.  But we are thinking it is going to be egg donation, or traditional adoption.

I'm telling people this because I feel like people think we are crazy for pursing more treatment.  This is our 4th RE, and 5th year at all of this.  And more importantly, because I'm really scared of the emotional fall out from this one.   Seven procedures in,  I now know all too well what the day after a failed procedure (or worse, miscarriage) looks like.  The trend doesn't seem to be my friend.  Our grief is increasing with every cycle.  This is how I know we are nearing the end in all of this.   I can't see us being able to handle much more than we already have.

I think they need to know we are all-in.  That we are approaching new levels with all of this IF stuff.  We aren't wading knee deep in all of this anymore.  We are up to our necks.  Holy shit, this is it.

I've never been good at receiving support from people other than D, and through my online friends.   I hate to blame my parents, but I truly think I was raised not knowing how.   My parents showed zero affection and support to each other and surprise, surprise, ended up divorced.

I never cry in front of other people. It usually takes a lot for me to even cry in front of D.  My sob-fests tend to sneak up on me while driving my car (not the safest, I know) or when I'm home alone.

I find discussing all of our IF stuff to be difficult.  I can tell the facts about what is happening, but I rarely go into how I feel.  People don't ask, and I don't want to be a downer.

I think this is unhealthy.  A therapist once pointed out to me that I don't need to protect them.  And that I don't need to put on a strong front all of the time.    I know she is right.  I've had more than one friend tell me I'm "so strong" in how I deal with all of this IF.   I'm done with this approach.  While I don't want to be a blubbering puddle all of the time,  I want to be able to do it sometimes.   I guess I'm getting to the point where I need to do it.

I don't know how this works.  How do you get and accept support?


  1. I have a really hard time talking about it, too. Just like you, I have a hard time telling people how I feel about it and since they don't ask, I don't offer it up because I don't want to put them in an awkward position. I probably should reach out more. I might get support from surprising places. The funny thing is, my husband is actually more open about it than I am. I am going to look into either a support group or a therapist to maybe help me break out of this shell.

    1. Sounds like a good idea. I tried the therapist route for two visits. I liked her but felt kind of luke-warm about the whole experience. Maybe should look for someone else.

  2. I'm kind of the opposite, in that I'm a crappy liar so if I'm feeling bad or there's something going on in my life, it's really hard for me to look at someone and just say "I'm fine". And you know what? That's ok. It's not weakness to need to rely on other people for help and support, and sometimes you find it in the strangest places. Something as simple as saying to people who ask when we're having kids that "we're having some trouble and seeing a specialist, and it's been really tough" has helped me. People are mostly sympathetic and often know other people who've been through it. There's always a few who will have useless comments, but you probably know who those people will be already and can avoid it.


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