This stupid article is hanging around my Facebook feed like a bad breakout. Kind of like what I'm getting from the DHEA supplements. It keeps popping up, rearing its ugly head. :( Thankfully none of my close friends have had the urge to share this.
I don't enjoy either writer's approach to this column. It lacks understanding and compassion on both sides of things. However, it still strikes a chord with me - I miss my friends dearly. I miss being able to call them just to chat. I miss hanging out with them. I miss not having to plan something weeks (or months) in advance just so a babysitter can be arranged. I miss time with them free from their child's interruptions.
I don't call a lot of them anymore because I know I would be interrupting nap time, lunch time, bed time or the five minutes they got that day to themselves. There never seems to be a good time to stay in touch. I often wait for them to reach out to me instead.
I can appreciate that being a parent must be exhausting, and overwhelming. I get that it's the most important job they are doing. I really do. That's why I cut my friends some slack. I don't blame them. I know they are doing the best they can, balancing parenting with the needs of their spouses, other friends, and work.
I guess this article bugs me so much because it's a reminder of all of the friends that I've lost to parenthood. Most of the special ones I still keep in touch with, but it's no where near the same.
If I wrote a letter to an advice columnist (and it wouldn't be this one) it might go like this:
Dear Advice Giver,
My long time friends all have children. I do not, because I have infertility.
My problem is that I really miss my friends. They have been very busy having children for several years now (most of them are in their early thirties). I'm not getting used to it, I'm just getting more lonely.
I've joined classes and met new child-free friends. But that doesn't take away the hurt of missing my old friends.
I appreciate that they have a lot of other more important demands on their time. I wish I could participate with them on a lot of the things they do with their kids, but it's just too painful for me. It reminds me of everything I am missing all in one moment. I miss not having a child myself. I miss them, and being able to relate with them about what is going on in each other's lives.
Help.
- Lost and lonely in IF
This made me so sad - I've never thought of this article in this way before. I've shared it. There were people on my facebook list who needed to read it. Unfortunately having kids really does make a difference in friendships. I HATED that before I had kids (I used to call parents "breeders"), but have I ever eaten my words.
ReplyDeleteMy friends without kids don't get it (just like I didn't) and when I open up at all about my life, the responses are something less than supportive. Like when I told a close friend about a really difficult day when I told my infant to "shut up" and how horrible I felt about that, and then she sent me an e-mail saying I should stop trying to have a second child because clearly I just wasn't cut out for motherhood. I've avoided her ever since.
Thanks for sharing this - I've never thought about this article from the point of someone who wants to have kids but is struggling.
That "friend" sounds ridiculous - the fact that it was an email and not a verbal comment makes it worse in my opinion. That means she had even more time to process it. Not that it is the right thing to do verbally either. Who does things like that? Wow.
DeleteI know exactly how you feel. I always feel like a bit of an imposter when I spend time with friends with kids now. I end up just avoiding it mostly, since it makes me much less sad. I loved your letter...it captures things perfectly.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your comments. Thank you.
Delete