Saturday, 5 January 2013

Got my calendar

CCRM calls your schedule of medicines and procedures your calendar.  Dr. Schoolie answered our request for this from his vacation and I got mine the other day.   The nurse took some time to explain to me various components.  I told her that in our last consult, the doctor had previously told us that I would be on the most aggressive protocol that they have.  She agreed and said he was "throwing the book at me".

Hearing this freaks me right the f**k out.  I don't think anyone ever wants to hear that they are on the most aggressive treatment.  That means there's nothing left.  It's another reminder that we're all-in.  I mean don't get me wrong, cognitively this is absolutely no surprise to us.   We've been to 4 RE's, and none of them have been very positive about our chances of bringing home a real live baby.  The only thing that has kept us in the game is has been my age.  I'm 33.   

I take the nurse's comments as a warning.  My body is going to be taxed more than it ever has been before in this IF journey.  I'm scared.  I've been abusing it without much regard for the past year and a half.

Under my bathroom sink I have six filled sharps containers to prove it. There is another super-sized model in the closest, that is also half full.   For whatever reason, I can't bring myself to throw them out.  It's like a little fertility grave yard under my sink.  Each needle represents some weird badge of pain from our IF war.

My naturopathic doctor told me that my kidneys were likely very stressed from all of the drugs I have been taking.  She said in Eastern medicine it is believed that when you are pregnant you give half of your energy to the baby.  She said that this was the case even for a miscarriage.  The fact that I had two in 2012 she said would have really depleted my energy levels.   That moment that she said that made my eyes water.  It was validating in a way that I never thought of before.   A reminder of the pain that I still carry from losing those three tiny babies.

I told her also about the heavy doses of antibiotics for infections for possible (and likely non-existent) infections, steroids supplements and injectable blood thinners.   My body has been kind to tolerate all of them with only mild discomfort.   I secretly just hope it's not storing up the toxins to feed some super disease for down the road. 

In some ways I feel like I know in a small way what it would be like to be addicted to drugs.   I am kind of am right now.  It's just that my substances of choice are Follistim,  Menopur, estrogen and progesterone.   I'm using a substance to attempt to solve and hide an emotional problem.  I wish I could think of it more as taking medicine to cure my disease, but I'm not there. 

Dr. Schoolie, my IF pimp said it was "reasonable" to give this one or two more tries if we had the financial and emotional strength to do one or two more cycles.   Now that things are getting started, I'm realizing that I might have exaggerated when I said we said we did.  


  1. I'll have a really aggressive treatment as well. I have to pump myself full of the highest doses of meds to get a measly few eggs. It can be so discouraging but I'm not ready to give up yet.

    1. I'm hoping for one normal embryo. That is what the doctor suggested is a reasonable expectation for us. I'm not ready to give up just yet either. Hoping we both have some luck this time.

  2. Just found your blog and look forward to following your journey I too was in a situation where they said the exact same words - "we will throw the book at you." I remember all the pressure and emotions and fear and worry that came with. I hope you find a great deal of success with this doctor and see these needles as just a souvenir on your journey to baby! Wishing you a very happy and healthy 2013 - I will check in to cheer you on!

  3. I will be going for my ODWU a week from today. I have been following your blog since it started. I was supposed to go down a few days early for my CD3 bloodwork. I booked my flights and hotel already well AF showed up way way early and now I will only be doing my ODWU and then next cycle do my CD3 bloodwork. Oh well. I have never done IVF before so I have no idea what protocol I will be put on. It's seems like such a slow process with so many hurdles. Good luck I will be following your blog and hoping for the best. I keep posting as Anonymous bc I don't have a blog or anything.


    1. Thank you KT, this blog has been really therapeutic for me. Knowing that someone is listening is nothing short of awesome.

      BTW if you want to you can create an anonymous google profile without a blog. I think you just need to create an email account. You can also link it to the email account most of the time (depending on your email provider). I've done this in the past, it works to see other comments that people have posted back to you etc.

      Thanks for being there. Good luck with your cycle!


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